Is acceptance a cop-out for professional coaching?
Over the years I have been engaged by executive coaching clients who have been striving hard for something, and yet have struggled to achieve the happiness they were so ardently seeking. In some cases, we explored the concept of acceptance and applied principles and tools from Acceptance and Commitment Coaching (deriving from its therapeutic parent, ACT). However, there exists an argument that acceptance actually stifles development and given that the business of coaching and the ever-expanding self-improvement industry is all about development, a forward motion or even transformation, is acceptance a cop-out? Is it actually contributing to stagnation?
Is acceptance a cop-out, which contributes to stagnation?
To start this discussion, let’s consider what acceptance is and whether it hinders change or whether it can sit comfortably here. In therapy, acceptance is typically presented as an option where tension arises from the gap between the client’s ideal life or self and that which they are currently experiencing. The client is encouraged to accept the unwanted thoughts, without judgment, and to experience them, in order to defuse. They can note which thoughts are more helpful than others, but the emphasis is on allowing the thoughts to surface, rather than changing them. This approach contrasts with perhaps the more usual cognitive behaviourial shifts a client might encounter in some coaching, such as replacing limiting beliefs.
One perspective is that acceptance equates to inaction, holding the client firmly within their comfort zone, at best. Whilst this may be comfortable, if the ideal self a client is focused on is inaccessible, they may settle for the status quo, staying put out of fear. In addition, there are significant consequences in “giving up”; thought processes leading to the conclusion “that’s the way I am” promote pessimism, inflexibility and stagnation and can impact well-being, potentially leading to depression. A further risk of staying within the comfort zone is career plateauing which has also been negatively correlated with health, well-being, satisfaction and performance.
If acceptance does mean stagnation, hibernation or negativity, then it is plausible that it would stifle development. However, in my mind, such descriptions talk of avoidance, rather than acceptance.
Guy Claxton makes a useful distinction between thinking about oneself and learning about oneself.
The learning, or wisdom even, comes from being exposed to and accepting all facets of life, rather than fighting them. Further, experiential avoidance can lead to cognitive fusion, and psychological inflexibility. Therefore, avoidance is said to be the opposite of acceptance, with supporters arguing that avoiding or changing thoughts can cause greater psychological damage.
The model of acceptance that I recognise and have practised starts with an appreciation of yourself with curiosity as the backdrop to development.
For example, a recent high performing client, who placed pressure on himself to achieve in every aspect of his life, attributed acceptance as the key to reducing his stress and increasing his self-compassion. He accepted his guilt as part and parcel of being committed to his family and his work and was able to reframe ‘achievement’ in a healthier way. This version of acceptance is consistent with a more compassionate view of treating oneself, as found in the work of Kristin Neff.
Neff also prescribes openness and awareness, plus a lack of judgment and a broader perspective of humanity when reflecting on personal pain. This creates the basis for a healthier, more productive and accepting view of self.
Many proponents of acceptance support the fact that it is only one part of the developmental process and does need supplementing, in order for clients to grow. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is one such case. As the name suggests, commitment via action, is an equally necessary ingredient in improving outcomes. This is executed through goal setting, homework, exercises and a commitment to tolerate discomfort. Acceptance facilitates action and behaviour change, based on living life in accordance with personal values. This was echoed in some of Neff’s research which found a positive correlation between self-compassion, including acceptance, and the achievement of mastery goals.
More emotively, acceptance is described as empowering and powerful, rather than reactive and passive. Claxton’s words resonate, writing,
“a warrior....accepts in his humbleness what he is, not as grounds for regret, but as a living challenge”.
The challenge comes in having to accept uncomfortable truths. In the client case above, he had to face the fact, that in his drive for perfection, he was treating his family in a way that he described as ‘ugly’ and far from perfect. The acceptance of these uncomfortable truths can become a resource for the client, if reframed.
So, acceptance is presented as a precursor to taking action towards a value-focused life. There is an opposing perspective however, that by seeking a ‘value-focused’ ideal life, we are stuck in that Western-oriented mirage of self-improvement; condemned to the torpor we are aiming to escape from. Some argue that acceptance alone is the only route to change, and ultimately, transcendence. Those familiar with Gestalt and Beisser’s ‘paradoxical theory of change’ will be familiar with idea that the harder we try to become something or someone we are not, the less likely this will occur. Change happens, not in reference to the past or the future, but in the current moment, the here and now. Self-acceptance is a key element in staying in the pain and gaining awareness in the moment. Whilst much is made of change in the now and acceptance, achievement still appears to be a goal of Gestalt, for example, to finish unfinished business
Beyond Acceptance
Although awareness and acceptance of ‘what is’ seem to be the golden bullet of development, perhaps it is not as simple as it seems. A more spiritual view is that we need to move beyond acceptance to be free. Whilst focus remains on accepting our pain, or indeed happiness, we are still staying with the problem itself. Alan Watts argues that the process of accepting requires an opposite rejection which sustains fear and ultimately stifles development. The suggested solution is ‘integration’, and the method of achieving depends on the theorist, from meditation, to tuning into ‘what is’ via the gut rather than the head, to ‘engaging with life’. All seem to be suggesting that development arises, not from the head, but from a more embodied, organic and spiritual transcendence.
How we achieve this transcendence is less clear, as a roadmap would be contradictory. This for me is one of the challenges of this form of non-developmental development, beyond acceptance. It is described as ‘mysterious’ and ‘rare’ and arguably out of reach for most clients. Indeed, given it runs against the vein of most Western focused coaching, how many coaches would be equipped to support their clients in this journey of letting go? Equally, the needs of a client may be more tactical and therefore discussing transcendence may be mismatched or irrelevant and doing the client a disservice. More practical, less spiritual solutions may be more suitable for coaching clients dealing with less existential crises. Perhaps a more accessible method of edging towards integration or transcendence is via mindfulness. Mindfulness, combining acceptance and compassion with meditative practices, is increasingly used in the mainstream, and in coaching and organisations. By combining mindfulness practices with other developmental interventions clients can access a more holistic perspective to their growth and performance.
So where does this leave acceptance?
Taking a step back, if acceptance equates to ‘giving up’ or avoidance then it would stifle development. However, I see acceptance as a precursor to and co-habitant with a gentler development. By reducing noise from inner conflict, clients can take a more objective, compassionate perspective on their self and their situation. Acceptance may not be relevant for all clients, but for many of those under pressure, far from holding them back, I believe it can release them forwards in their development.
If you would like to know more about acceptance and how could it help you and your team, let’s have a conversation.
References
Anstiss, T. and Blonna, R. (2014) ‘Acceptance and commitment coaching’, in Passmore, J. (ed.) Mastery in Coaching A complete psychological toolkit for advanced coaching. London: Kogan Page, pp. 253-282.
Bluckert, P. (2014) ‘The Gestalt Approach to Coaching’, in Cox, E., Bachkirova, T. and Clutterbuck, D. (ed.) The Complete Handbook of Coaching. 2nd edn. Los Angeles, [Calif.] London: SAGE, pp. 77-90.
Claxton, G. and Anand Ageha (1981) Wholly Human: western and eastern visions of the self and its perfection. London: Routledge & K. Paul.
Hall, L. (2014) ‘Mindful coaching, in Passmore, J. (ed.) Mastery in Coaching A complete psychological toolkit for advanced coaching. London: Kogan Page, pp. 191-224.
Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A. and Lillis, J. (2006) “Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: Model, Processes and Outcomes,” Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), pp. 1–25.
Leary-Joyce, J. (2014) The Fertile Void: Gestalt Coaching at Work. St Albans: AEOC Press.
Neff, K., Hsieh, Y.-P. and Dejitterat, K. (2005) “Self-Compassion, Achievement Goals, and Coping with Academic Failure,” Self and Identity, 4(3), pp. 263–287.
Watts, A. (1996) “Beat Zen, Square Zen, and Zen,” Chicago Review, 42(3-4), pp. 48–55.
